I’ve helped many people transition into retirement over the years and when I ask a new retiree how things are going, the response is generally positive. That said, retirement is a huge transition and there are always unexpected feelings or emotions that crop up. That doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s something wrong with your retirement. It just means that you’re normal. So don’t be surprised if you feel one or more of the following:
The Problem: I feel guilty.
This is surprisingly common and I’ve seen it manifest itself in two ways. The first is guilt if you’re not doing much or making the most of your time. You finally have some free time and you struggle with how to use it. You feel guilty because watching T.V. or running errands doesn’t quite feel like sucking the marrow out of life.
The second is guilt if you’re doing fun stuff that your friends and family aren’t doing because they’re still working. I’ve actually had clients hesitate before responding to me when I ask “What did you do today?” The answer is “I went golfing” or “We saw a matinee and then went for a walk” but they are hesitant to say that because they know I spent my day behind a desk. When prodded, they say they don’t want to make others feel bad or come across as boastful.
The fix
For the first type of guilt, don’t worry! You’ll get better at it. You control a much bigger piece of your time in retirement and that takes some getting used to. Work hard to do things that leave you feeling happy and fulfilled, but keep in mind that not every minute of your day has to be spent bungee jumping or traveling. Sometimes the best way to spend a day is binge watching House of Cards on Netflix.
For the second type of guilt, just allow it to pass. Don’t become an insufferable braggart, but don’t feel guilty about enjoying your life either. You worked hard and made good decisions. Enjoy your time.
The problem: I’m second guessing my decision.
Buyer’s remorse is a real thing. Chances are you’ve felt it if you’ve ever bought a house or had to make some similar big decision and feared making the wrong choice. It can creep up after retirement as well and cause you to question whether you should have retired in the first place.
The fix
I have a client who has been dealing with this lately and she shared something that I thought was really insightful. She said, “Whenever I second guess my decision, I focus on why I retired in the first place.” Her choice would have been to work for five more years, but two things happened: Her mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and her grandkids were all at an age when hanging out with grandma was just about the best the thing ever. If she had stuck to her timeline and worked for five more years, there’s a pretty good chance that her mom may no longer be around and her by then teenage grandkids will have priorities other than grandma. In other words, she gave something up, but got something far greater in return. There are pros and cons with most decisions in life. Retirement is no different. Keep that in mind.
The problem: I feel disappointed.
Most of us have an idealized view of retirement. Add years of anticipation to the mix or a personality that enjoys the structure and challenge of work and it’s not uncommon to feel a bit underwhelmed after entering retirement.
The fix
The best way to avoid disappointment is to retire TO something rather than FROM something. If all you do is subtract things—work, obligations, commitments—you simply create a void in your life. That void can open you to self-doubt, regret, lack of purpose and boredom. Nature abhors a vacuum. If you take something out, you need to replace it with something else (e.g. travel, school, a second career, hobby, etc.). The goal is not to do nothing. That just creates a void. The goal is to do what excites you.
And test those plans out before you retire. I most often see disappointment arise when a person has prepared for retirement using all lesson and no lab. In other words, all of their retirement plans are in their head or on a sheet of paper, and they haven’t spent any time actually testing and refining those plans. Reality can’t compete with 40 years of idealized assumptions.
The problem: I feel like a fish out of water.
No matter how prepared you think you are for retirement, you will probably still struggle. It’s a huge transition. The routine you’ve had for the last 40 years is out the window. That can be a bit disorienting for many people.
The fix
When talking with a client recently, she compared retirement to becoming a parent for the first time. “Before becoming parents we read books, painted the nursery, sought advice from other parents and bought all the cribs, carriers and countless other things that parents need. We thought we were totally prepared. And then we had our first child and all that went out the window. Retirement is similar. As prepared as you think you are, you really can’t grasp what it takes or what it will be like until you’re actually living it. Your experience will be totally different than the guy next door.” Great advice. Yes, there are tons of things that you can and should do to prepare, but the battle is always different than basic training. Don’t get discouraged. You’ll figure it out and get better at it with practice. Focus on living the life that you want to live. Imagine your ideal life and then work backwards from there to figure out the most direct path to where you want to be. Focus intently on the things that matter to you and throw yourself into them wholeheartedly. That kind of focus and tactical thinking will help you rapidly flatten your learning curve and smooth your transition into retirement.
Remember that retirement is not a date on the calendar, it’s a life stage that will last for years. Think back to when you first became an adult. Were you better at it at 28 than you were at 18? Of course. The same will be true with retirement. It might feel a little awkward at first, but you’ll get better at it over time.
~ Joe
Thank you. No one I’ve talked to understands the feelings of guilt.
You bet! That’s definitely one of those unexpected feelings that clients have shared with me over the years.
Thanks for your articles.
Thanks for your articles. I’m 54 and retired last month. I was miserable and my job and I feel so guilty for quitting. My husband continue working.
I’d really like to retire in the next six months, but the guilt is getting to me. My supervisor will be at a loss, and budget constraints will make it very difficult to hire a replacement. My leaving will put a real burden on other coworkers who I really enjoy working with.
If you ended up costing the company an extra nickel per week, they would fire you without a second thought. Don’t place loyalty where it doesn’t belong.
Awkward explains it best. I have so many mixed emotions. It feels like i should be doing better with my time. My retirement date was May 31, 2019. I feel lost and alone.
Hi Pat. Don’t get discouraged. That awkward feeling is common. After all, you’re transitioning away from something that you’ve done for decades and that you were good at (your career) to something that is unfamiliar and challenging. The awkward feeling will start to go away as you begin to find your groove in retirement. Take another look at the fixes listed in the article. Also, there’s some good info in A Brief Guide to Retirement Bliss (available in our free retirement toolkit) and the Lifestyle Design Guide portion of The Ideal Retirement Design Guide (available in our store). Finally, make relationships a priority. They are a huge contributor to a happy retirement. Even one or two good relationships can go a long way to alleviating loneliness. Touch base if you have any questions or if I can ever help. – Joe
Hi Pat – I retired August 1, 2019 and feel similarly even though I’m still working on a temporary basis 15 hours per week at the same place. I think it will take time. Do things that make you feel good and make sure you get up and moving in the morning. Don’t worry about doing anything “better” with your time, just do what gives you pleasure, even if it isn’t remarkable by anyone else’s standards. Take care of you. This too shall pass.
I am contemplating retirement. I feel guilty for retiring and feel guilty keeping working. I never in my life thought I would feel this way.
Thank God! I thought there was something wrong with me! Retired in August. It’s been a struggle to find purpose each day. I don’t regret retiring in the slightest, though. I keep feeling like I should be doing something worthy of my time…because for soooo long there was a monetary value attached to my hourly life. It’s as if I should not waste my time on any hobbies or pursuits unless there is a equitable monetary gain. Weird. But I’m working on understanding that retirement is just like everything else in life. It’s a learning process. 🙂
The first 12 years of retirement came easy but now it’s hard. A feeling of not having any purpose is overwhelming. I am trying to find a volunteer position to give some meaning to my life. This overwhelming feeling has given rise to depression. I am taking anti-depressants and starting counseling tomorrow.
I retired the end of July. I was feeling so guilty about doing things I like to do every day! I didn’t realize that it was a common feeling. I am so glad I read this article. Now I will no longer feel badly when I wake up and smile that I can enjoy myself and if I feel guilty, I will just acknowledge it and move on!
This post and comments were very helpful in describing most of the emotions I’ve been experiencing in retirement. I’m 72, and worked as a clinical psychologist since 1970 (including graduate school). Stopped working “full time” about 5 years ago but still maintain a very small private practice. Constantly debating about doing this indefinitely vs. letting it all go. Financial need is irrelevant. I’ve turned to working on my musical side, playing guitar/singing and playing the assisted living circuit. Still, that nagging guilt about “working more” is there, the feeling that “I didn’t do enough” in the profession. I agree too that there’s a guilt about being very fortunate while others struggle at this stage. It’s difficult, from this vantage point, to feel that I really did work long and well and “deserve” to enjoy this period of life. It all seems to have gone by so fast! It’s as if retirement shouldn’t begin until you’re really old and exhausted. I never equated “retirement” with being active, healthy, and still growing. Maybe that’s the best way to view it.
Thank you, this article helped!
thank you for your article. I had tremendous feelings of guilt and like a fish out of water. Guilt from not just talking to people who are still working, but also of my co-workers who are struggling without me there to help. But I had to leave due to illness. My company was poorly managed and I didn’t feel like a valuable employee until I left. So, the void that was left is really on them. I also struggle with time management. I can see it now as an opportunity to learn to do it better. You also helped me understand the enormity of the transition from 25 year career to no routine at all. I was prepared and I had a plan. But like you said, training isn’t the same as experience. You don’t know what it’s like until you do it. My encouraging friends told me, “it’s the beginning of a new life!”
I’m newly retired now, aged 64. I had just resigned from my job that I had for 15 years. I had loved that job all along until the last few months. It had changed because the company lost a contract and many people were moving on. And there were lots of bickering and power struggles I had with the remaining workers. Also, around a year ago, many decided to work at home because of the pandemic, which hurt my job. My position required me to be at the site.
I feel alright about not being at my job, but I would have wanted to stay a little bit longer if the conditions were not so bad. So far I have been very busy with domestic stuff but I have some hours that I don’t do much. This has been an adjustment for me as I have felt depressed at times and feel more lonely.
I just retired after 42 years in education and 32 years in the classroom teaching. And in your article you say imagine your ideal life and work backwards. But my whole life has been around teaching and people in the teaching profession. And I’m not sure what my ideal life would look like. My husband retired about two years ago and he seems perfectly happy puttering around the house. I am not. He seems perfectly happy watching TV most of the day and waiting for the mail to come. I am not. Thank you for your article. It has given me things to think about.